Letter to Buffy
Dear Sarah Michelle Gellar,
We need to talk.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is ruining my life. Last night I stayed awake
wondering if Willow was going to keep dabbling in dark magic and end up
working for that wrinkled pug-face dark lord from the first season (you
know the one with the creepy children-of-the-corn sidekick?). Around 2am
I stopped thinking about Willow and started thinking about your
character.
Poor Buffy! I know it's a traumatizing experience to come back from the dead, but she's always been able to bounce back from setbacks before. She could be in the hellmouth fighting demons but she'd crack jokes while doing it. Or it could be the end of the world and she'd do laundry or go get cheese fries. Cause she's that kind of girl. A better attitude could not be had. Our girl had PEP! She was no fraidy cat! Now she's haunted and small and lost and it's HARD TO WATCH!! I'm trusting that with time and the gang's tender loving care and your incredible grasp of this character-- that Buffy will get her bounce back. I'm impatient though, so please hurry.
And also, I think you should know just how much you are contributing to Bionic Finger's emotional and creative demise. We are Buffy addicts. We cut rehearsal short last nite so we could watch the premiere. We even watch the reruns. There's no reason to practice at all now that they're on every nite. Why do anything when I can stay at home eating fishsticks w/ tartar sauce and watch you kick ass? My friend Amanda gave me a Buffy Day Planner. Now I just schedule my Buffy dates in it. I've given up going to work. I spend my day making god's eyes and lanyards snacking on bon bons until your show comes on. Then I heat up the fish sticks. Is this any kind of life for anybody? For anybody who's not on vacation? I should be out conquering the world like you. Or at the very least, conquering the subway.
You don't even wanna know what me and the fingers think of you and Spike together. It's too naughty. All I have to say is CHEMISTRY BABY. Of course you and Spike will never be together unless you had a brain tumor like your poor mother (and yes, I still miss her). You'd have to be out of your mind to go through that "I love you but can't have you" Angel crisis again.
So anyway, Buf. I mean Sarah. I need to get a grip and try to live my life now. Actually yeah, that's why I'm writing. It's to tell you I'm only watching your show once a week. If I get around to it. I borrow the tapes from Pam because Tuesday is our rehearsal night. And you will just have to live with me rehearsing with the fingers and not watching your show the second it airs. The world does not revolve around you. It'd be good if you found a hobby as well. You're not looking too rosy, what with all the trauma you've experienced lately. Look, it's just better for both of us if I try not to be so involved. I hope you understand.
Oh and one more thing.
If you ever need music for your show, you know who to call. We could
substitute "Big Kick" for "Big Dick". You don't have to answer right
away, but just think about it.
Yours truly,
Nan